I have often heard peo­ple in recov­ery talk about hit­ting rock bot­tom. Hit­ting my own bot­tom of depres­sion has enabled me to come to an amaz­ing aware­ness: I had been sourc­ing my life from an illu­sion. I had been run­ning on emp­ty for a long time. Not until I hit rock bot­tom did I real­ize that the gas gauge with­in me was dam­aged. I need­ed a deep­er real­i­ty. I was begin­ning to know the mean­ing of Acts 17:28: ​“In him we live and move and have our being.”

The Source of My Being

My being is the me that man­i­fest­ed in divine love at my con­cep­tion. In Christ there is full­ness of life, not the coma that I had lived through rote activ­i­ty and damn­ing rules. I had lived as though my activ­i­ties sourced my life — as though they gave me life — only to find that while they may have seemed like good activ­i­ties, in time they lit­er­al­ly drained the life out of me. I need­ed to be recharged, but I didn’t know this until I was on emp­ty; hit­ting the bot­tom helped me to know what my emp­ty was like.

Some folks have a longer bat­tery life than oth­ers. Per­haps their lives are not so demand­ing. Per­haps some of us are poor­ly charged for the tasks of life await­ing us. Or we start out of the gate at such a pace that by our mid-thir­ties we find our­selves deplet­ed. For all my life to this point I had pre­sumed that my effort sus­tained me, crazy as it sounds. But through the depres­sion, I was being freed from those notions of self-sustainability. 

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